Wide Awake

Today is Valentines Day and started Valentines Day with a visit from my pooh bear who reminded me that after all this time, I'm still the only one that matters to him. So my heart did melt.  And it melted even more when my british pet came to see me early in the morning. He never wakes up early, so him showing up like he did just tell me Happy Valentines, well, it was so sweet. Little things still matter to me and him just coming to see me just as the clock passed midnight on the 13th making it officially the 14th, I saw it. I do love my pet Dan. We've had our up and downs but he's still with me and I'm glad.  Just after saying night to Dan, I continued my chat with the Master of my Mind for a brief conversation, then I called up the Master of my Heart. It was late but I wanted to hear him anyway, since I didn't really talk to him all day. And the weekend was coming, and every weekend I spend away from him.. So I didn't care if I was so tired. I called him.

The next day being Valentines, I fit in a call with the Master of my Heart again. We talked games and such just enjoying time talking to one and another. Hearing him on the phone just makes my day complete. Then my master, a fairly honest man, shared with me that he has been talking again more and more with a woman I myself have just met. And as I suspected, my Master was desiring once again to own a new pet. My heart sinks even as I write this. Not for the reasons you might be thinking. It's not possessiveness. It's not. It' holding on to the memory of a night with my Master, where we shared our hearts and our feelings for one and another. Realizing that we meant so much to each other. And my Master told me affectionately, from his heart, that he didn't need any more pets. That now that he found me, he was complete. He was whole. He didn't need anyone else. And when he told me that, it touched my heart, because when he said it, I could hear that he sounded like he meant it. So I believed it as well.

But soon after, things began to chip away at that illusion. When his friendship with a certain hypno fan approached him wanting to be his pet. He told me not to worry, it was nothing. But the facts are that 'she' was calling him her master, and he was calling her 'my pet'.  So the illusion of being all my master needed was starting to chip away.

So that was the chip that started to crack that illusion. And then there is my masters other newly added pet Nina, who he says used to be his pet, so she isn't really a new pet but what ever. In my eyes, I just see the pet list growing again.

And now this brings us the present. And now there is Ala from Poland. I already met her and she is a nice woman. I'll give her that. So kind of in auto-pilot I opened up a message, and began to write Ala the following:

"Hello Ala, how have you been? I understand you have come to be friends with my Master Mats. He's talked quite a lot about you lately and I understand you are interested in becoming a pet to him. I know you already and I can say that I get a good feeling from you. However, if Mats hasn't yet said it, he has a lot of pets at the moment, as well as a commitment as a co-writer. I know he may be spreading himself thin in adding you. It may mean I see less of him. No never mind, I just want him to be happy. And if having you as a pet makes him happy, I won't stand in the way of his happiness. So Mats says he cares for my approval on adding you. So you have it."

So there you have it. I wrote the above and pushed send. And then I kind of, put my head in my hands. I know what I've done. It's now my fault, not my Master's. He doesn't have to feel guilty for it. The blame is mine.

So the illusion that I'm all my Master needs has now fully shattered. Now I just need to let go of it and realize things as they are.